Music Demos
RUMP!
BY DAVID FALLON
Performed by Kerry Ellis: Love and War from RUMP!
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SCENE 8: LOVE AND WAR
WILHELMINA
It’s magic they want?
Well magic is here
Watch as I make a whole town disappear
Into ash
Into dust
Watch as I make entire kingdoms combust
For my son
For my love
WILHELMINA, WITCHES
Give them a taste
Of a life gone to waste
(WILHELMINA and her WITCHES begin casting the transfer spell)
ALL
All is fair in love and war
WITCHES
Two eyes of newt!
ALL
And war and love are one
WITCHES
Three swords
And four fallen leaves!
ALL
In the end all love is lost
WITCHES
Five pretty petals!
ALL
And this war will be won
WITCHES
Six stolen jewels!
Seven pages torn!
WILHELMINA
It’s only fair at the end of the day
They didn’t care when they cast me away
Why should we wait for them to draw the knife?
They didn’t when they took your father’s life
All is fair in love
WITCHES
Eight drops of blood!
TOWNSFOLK & WITCHES
For our Queen
We’ll rain fire from above!
ALL
And this is war!
(In a flash, WILHELMINA’s spell crescendos to a thundering end. MARY, JACK, BARBRA and the TOWNSFOLK of Bash are transported to the woods to live in squalor, while WILHELMINA, RUMP and the clan of WITCHES are teleported to the castle where WILHELMINA reigns supreme. BASH is stripped of its gold, with WILHELMINA’s evil magic hanging over the town like a mist)
END OF ACT 1
Composer demos
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SCENE 1: THE WORST TOWN IN THE WORLD
(The town square of our town: Bash)
TOWNSFOLK
This town’s seen better days
Lady fortune’s got us in a vice
Every pipe is leaking
Every floorboard’s creaking
At least today the weather’s nice!
(Thunder. Then, KING MICHAEL THE THANKLESS pulls up in his carriage)
TOWNSFOLKOur King is a buffoon
Who comes round every afternoon
To see if anybody has a plan
To stop the crops from wilting
To keep the scales from tilting
KING
Completely down the pan
KING
Anyone? Anyone? No? Okay, see you tomorrow.
(KING leaves in his carriage)
TOWNSFOLK
Welcome to the worst town in the world!
No one here has felt the lovely warmth of a fire
Since the one we had about ten years or so ago
The baker lost his shop in the blaze
But the whole town smelled like sourdough for days
Mmm!
Everybody’s flying by the seat of their pants
But the pants have got a hole in
So no one’s flying far
The King has run this town into the ground
Welcome to Bash!
KING MICHAEL
It’s not too late to turn around!
TOWNSFOLK
The beer all tastes of water
The water looks like beer
Even the rats are packing up and leaving
Why is fate abusing us?
Why’s my elbow oozing puss?
What’s the quickest way to get me literally anywhere else?
Welcome to the worst town in the world!
Here the local wishing well is dry
No one’s got a coin to throw
But we still put on a show
Doesn’t cost a penny to extend a welcome…
To the worst town in the world!
It’s official
We mean it
We even have a trophy!
KING
(Showing trophy to audience member) See. Worst… Town… In the world! It even smells bad!
TOWNSFOLK
It used to be made of gold
But the King took all our gold
To make a throne for his royal backside
Governed by a none-the-wiser
Minus one on trip advisor
For the worst town in the world!
Mmmm!
(RUMP and JACOB arrive in Bash with lots of luggage. JACOB is holding a map and
drops his luggage to the ground)
RUMP
Do you even know where we’re going, dad?
JACOB
As a matter of fact…
(JACOB drops his luggage)
JACOB
Yes I do. Welcome to our new home, Rump!
TOWNSFOLK
Welcome to the worst town in the world!
RUMP
Here?
JACOB
And why not here? Bash looks like a perfectly ordinary and pleasant little town.
(Then, part of the letter B on the town sign ‘BASH’ breaks and falls to the ground, the
town sign then reads: RASH)
TOWNSFOLK
It’s not too late to turn around
RUMP
Right.
(JACK enters, selling bread and pastries)
JACK
Buns, rolls and baps! They’re not burnt, it’s just extra flavour!
JACOB
You must be hungry, son. (To JACK) ‘Scuse me! Two of whatever’s cheapest, please.
JACK
Good morning gentlemen. How about two slices of pie, freshly baked this morning by yours truly.
JACOB
Thank you very much.
JACK
Just passing through?
JACOB
Actually, we’re here to stay.
(JACOB and RUMP tuck in to the pies)
JACK
In Bash? You must have been put through the wringer.
JACOB
Our house was squashed by a giant.
JACK
Oh, I’m sorry to hear that. World’s gone topsy-turvy, hasn’t it.
JACOB
It has indeed. Mind you, this pie is…
RUMP
Interesting.
JACK
Thank you very much.
JACOB
Absolute magic.
(The TOWNSFOLK gasp, JACK panics)
JACK
Shh shh shh shh! You can’t say that here.
RUMP
Say what?
JACK
(Hushed) That word.
JACOB
Why not?
JACK
It’s banned throughout the kingdom.
RUMP
The whole kingdom?
JACK
And quite right too. Did a lot of damage to us, it did.
TOWNSFOLK
Once upon a time there was a witch
In the hills far away
In a rare trip to Bash for supplies for a spell
She fell for a man
A butcher, a builder, a normal sort of man
He made her laugh
They danced in the wood
He gave her more spark then a spell ever could
‘Til one day he left
The witch was bereft
The witch blamed the town
And burnt most of it down
TOWNSFOLK
There’s probably a spell to make the river full of fish
There’s certainly a wizard who could save us with a swish
A special magic oven baking neverending bread
But keep it to yourself if you want to keep your head!
(RUMP glares at JACOB)
RUMP
Did you know?
JACOB
Know what, son?
RUMP
Don’t pretend.
JACOB
It’s a blessing in disguise, I reckon.
RUMP
What, my head on the chopping block?
JACOB
Just try to fit in, son. You might enjoy it.
TOWNSFOLK
Welcome to the worst town in the world!
(Inside the house of MARY, MILLER and WENDY)
MARY
I’m home!
MILLER
Mary, your mother and I have a new idea for the King.
MARY
Another one?
WENDY
Ready, darling?
MILLER
Ahem. We take the hinges off all the doors in town…
WENDY
Melt them down, turn them into beautiful jewellery…
(They hold up a door hinge necklace)
MILLER & MARY
And sell them to stupid tourists passing through Bash.
(At that moment, their front door falls down)
TOWNSFOLK
Welcome to the worst town in the world!
MARY
Why does everybody in this town care so much about impressing the King? He’s a melon.
MILLER
Mary, have you any idea what awaits the hero who thinks of the idea that saves Bash? Glory… Gold… /
(JACK enters via the fallen doorway)
JACK
Pasties!
MARY
Morning, Jack.
JACK
Morning, Mary. (Handing her a baked treat) This is for you!
MARY
Oh Jack, that’s very sweet.
JACK
Just like you.
WENDY
I’ve got it, Miller! Necklaces made of teeth!
MILLER
I’ll get the pliers.
JACK
Made a sale already this morning! A lad and his dad, just moved here.
MARY
Why would anyone move to Bash?
JACK
Not everyone wastes their days dreaming about somewhere else, Mary.
MARY
Somewhere? Literally anywhere else would be better, I reckon.
(WENDY and MILLER are trying to extract each other’s teeth. MARY intervenes.
TOWNSFOLK enter the door-less abode and steal things, including the fallen down
door. MARY tries to fight them off)
MILLER & WENDY
All we need is one idea
Then we’re set for life!
(JACK holding a ring he will use to propose to MARY)
JACK
All I need is Mary
To one day be my wife
MARY
Pulling pints
Boring boys
There must be something more
MILLER
Mary!
WENDY
Mary!
MILLER & WENDY
Go and get that door!
(MARY leaves to find the door)
MARY
What’s a girl to do in a town such as this?
Some gossip or a friend or two wouldn’t go amiss
Somewhere worth a song this long
And there’s not a dodgy pong
Somewhere that my dear old parents wouldn’t worry
MILLER
Day in
Day out
MARY, MILLER, WENDY
What’s our way out?
(On her quest for a door, MARY finds RUMP being bullied by LEIF, BONK and
SQUIDGE. They’re playing piggy in the middle with RUMP and one of his books)
RUMP
Hey! Stop it!
SQUIDGE
(Mimicking) Hey! Stop it!
RUMP
Give it back!
(One of the boys throws RUMP to the ground)
TOWNSFOLK
Welcome to the worst town in the world!
(The boys continue to throw, RUMP continues to try and catch it as he talks with
MARY)
MARY
(To RUMP) You must be the new lad.
BONK
Shove off, Mary!
TOWNSFOLK
This ain’t your average boy meets girl
RUMP
What gave it away?
MARY
This’ll be the first time these lads have ever seen a book. They’re intimidated.
(LEIF catches the book)
LEIF
It’s just a game, Mary. Get lost!
MARY
I’ve got a fun game. It’s called you three run away as fast as you can before I smash your ‘faces in.
(LEIF squares up to MARY)
LEIF
Haven’t you got anything better to do than-}
(MARY quickly grabs and twists LEIF’s ear. She gets the book He winces, almost
crying)
MARY
You mustn’t have heard me. I’ll give you a bit of a head start. Run along.
(MARY let’s LEIF go. He runs to BONK and SQUIDGE and they all run off. Perhaps
LEIF is crying)
MARY
(Looking at the book) What language is that?
RUMP
Give it back!
(RUMP snatches the book)
MARY
You must be the new lad.
RUMP
Sorry. It was my mam’s. I’m Rump.
MARY
I’m Mary. Have you seen a door?
RUMP
A door?
(LEIF, SQUIDGE and BONK run across the stage giggling with MARY’s door)
MARY
That door! You, I want to know more about where you’re from. Come to the inn later!
(MARY runs after the boys Then, the B, that is now an R in the town sign of BASH
completely falls off. The sign now reads: ASH)
TOWNSFOLK
Welcome to the worst town in the world!
(Welcome to the worst town in the world!)
Welcome to the setting of our golden tale
It’s a land where casting magic
Often ends with something tragic
Witchcraft!
Potions!
High emotions!
So welcome…
To the worst town in the world!
Where we make the best of what we’ve got
Starve and steal and eat and pray
Fight your way on through the day
Ain’t a sin to steal from friends
When at the inn you’ll make amends!
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SCENE 3: CHARMING
MARY
What does your dad think?
RUMP
He doesn’t, usually.
MARY
That’s a bit harsh, Rump. He is your dad.
RUMP
He is, and if he had his way, we’d sit in the house all day watching the sun go up and down. This…
(RUMP extends his arm a la Freddie Mercury, and a golden spotlight is shone on
him)
RUMP
Is much more fun!
RUMP
Do you think the King became the King
Because he’s got a special talent?
That underneath the crown and royal gown
He’s got a gift that he’s been saving up?
Waiting for the moment where we really need it
Just so he can wow us?
Or is he really just a fella in a cloak
Who cannit even really take a joke?
MARY
Exactly!
RUMP
It doesn’t matter if you’re slow
When you’re head to toe in diamonds
Hold your head up high
And no one asks why
Say you’re from far away
And just arrived today
No one cares from where if you arrive with flare…
(Throughout this chorus, RUMP punctuates his singing with magical gestures,
conjuring golden objects out of the spinning wheel. Perhaps a cape, some sort of
other costume, a butterfly)
RUMP
Just do it
Just turn the charm on
One swish
And then the wheels start turning
Just think of something that thrills you
That fills you with butterflies
No need to worry
With a magic friend you’re in no hurry
It’s easy when you’re charming
MARY
Rump, This. Is. Brilliant!
RUMP
Thank you very much.
MARY
(Asking about the bag he first conjured) What’s in this bag?
(MARY looks in the bag)
MARY
Peanuts?
RUMP
You said your parents were nuts.
MARY
So if you say it, you magic it?
RUMP
I don’t really know how it works. I have to be in the right mood, really.
MARY
Well whatever mood you’re in, you’ve saved my life. It’s a good one.
RUMP
A very good one.
MARY
Good as gold, you might say!
(They laugh)
RUMP
What shall we do then?
MARY
Why stop here? Rump, with your talent, you could save this whole stinking town!
RUMP
Really?
MARY
Oh yes.
MARY
People have been searching
For a miracle for long as I remember
You could be the golden ticket
You could make the streets of Bash paved with gold!
Business’ll be booming
Flowers’ll be blooming
You could stop the endless doom and gloom from looming
Make the best out of the worst town
RUMP
Certainly if you’re around
RUMP, MARY
Just do it
Just turn the charm on
MARY
One flick
RUMP
One swish
MARY, RUMP
All this town needs is a bit of a golden polish
MARY
Just think of the fame and fortune
For those two who save the day
RUMP
Don’t lose your head
Just remember what your new best friend said
RUMP & MARY
It’s easy if you’re/
(KING MICHAEL knocking at the door)
KING MICHAEL
Mary…?
MARY
Rump!
RUMP
Who’s that?
MARY
I think we may have glossed over quite an important detail.
KING MICHAEL
I trust you’re not up to anything supernatural… Are you?
RUMP
Oh.
MARY
What do we do?
KING MICHAEL
I must say Mary, your silence is… Golden!
MARY
Gosh, that’s terrible.
RUMP
I’ll hide, you play along!
KING MICHAEL
Let’s finally have a look at your/
(RUMP hides back in his chest, KING MICHAEL and BARBRA enter. They’re
astounded at the golden room)
KING MICHAEL
Handiwork… My goodness. You’ve done it! We’re saved! We must write an announcement for the town, we’ll need parchment and a quill.
(KING MICHAEL looks at BARBRA. She doesn’t move)
KING MICHAEL
I’ll get it I suppose. I know! How about some new golden outfits? We could all be matching! Off you go!
(KING MICHAEL exits. BARBRA glares at MARY)
BARBRA
You heard him. Keep spinning!
MARY
Charming isn’t just the way you smile
Or talk to people that you fancy
It’s a state of mind to get you anything
And anywhere you want to go
Charming is the key to make a good impression everlasting
Charming is the way they end up asking
Who’s that?
(In this moment, RUMP emerges confidently from the chest, casting a spell on
BARBRA. She is transformed into gold from head to toe)
RUMP
It’s me!
MARY
Rump, I should introduce you!
This is Babs
RUMP
Hi Babs!
Gold suits you
MARY, RUMP
Sorry for being so charming
KING MICHAEL
(Offstage) Mary!
BARBRA
I… knew it!
MARY
Rump!
(KING MICHAEL enters. RUMP hides behind a curtain)
BARBRA
Your majesty, you won’t believe what I just saw.
MARY
Barbra, please!
BARBRA
Mary here, spun all of this gold with the help of…
(From behind the curtain, RUMP conjures a mirror in front of BARBRA. She sees
herself in the gold, the way it flows. She likes it)
BARBRA
With the help of nothing but pure skill and determination! She really is a remarkable talent.
KING MICHAEL
How wonderful!
BARBRA
There really is only one way to ensure this girl and her gift stay within the realm.
KING MICHAEL
How’s that?
BARBRA
Marriage.
KING MICHAEL & MARY
Marriage!?
BARBRA
She’s a prize pig, your majesty. We must ensure she remains in the sty of Bash and not anywhere else, you see?
MARY
How romantic.
KING MICHAEL
Ooh! This is as good a reason as any to wear my ‘special occasion crown’! I’ll go and get it.
(KING MICHAEL exits. RUMP emerges from the curtain)
RUMP
Thank you.
BARBRA
For what?
MARY
For not telling him what you saw.
BARBRA
I did tell him what I saw. I saw Mary spinning gold and producing enough gold to transform this entire kingdom for the better. Nothing, and no one else. Carry on.
(BARBRA exits. RUMP conjures MARY a golden blueberry and gives it to her)
MARY
Is this a golden blueberry?
RUMP
Something blue for the wedding.
MARY
I don’t really want to get married. Especially to that bonehead.
RUMP
I want to. Weddings are fun.
MARY
Why don’t you get married then.
RUMP
To you?
MARY
What? No- I, what?
RUMP
You just said/
MARY
Aye, Rump, it were a joke/
RUMP
Obviously.
MARY
…
RUMP
After the wedding, maybe the Queen will need a royal magician…?
MARY
We can’t call you that.
RUMP
Sorcerer?
MARY
Too much.
RUMP
General assistant?
MARY
Vague, meaningless, it’s perfect. No one will suspect a thing!
RUMP
And what if they do?
MARY
We’re in this together now, Rump. I’ll be right there beside you. You in?
RUMP
I’m in. Let’s paint the town gold!
MARY & RUMP
Just do it
Just turn the charm on!
MARY
One swish!
RUMP
One flick!
MARY & RUMP
And then the wheels start spinning!
Just think of something that inspires you
That fires you up like dynamite!
Tick… Tick...
Boom!
RUMP
No need to fret,
With a new best friend your luck is set
MARY
No need to cast doubt
With a magic friend to help you out
MARY, RUMP
It’s easy when you’re…
Assuredly disarming!
It’s easy when you’re…
(MARY offers RUMP a handshake)
MARY
Mary.
RUMP
(Shaking hand) Rump.
MARY
Charmed.
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SCENE 6: GOLDEN
RUMP
Somewhere else
There’s a place where everything’s golden
I see it each night in a dream
Clear as frost on the grass
On a bank by a stream
It’s got trees
And a beach
And there’s always music
People don’t stare
They don’t care that the boy over there
Has got gold in his hair
The grown ups laugh
There’s lots to eat
Children swim in the summer heat
The dad’s are strong
And every lad has his Mam
And nobody cares who I am
TOWNSFOLK
Or what secret he’s holdin’
RUMP
And everything’s golden
(RUMP leaves the house to find his mother. Back at the castle, MARY is talking to
JACK, they have the baby)
MARY
Any sign of him?
JACK
None. Barbra said he left the feast when you were doing your speech. He’s been right moody lately.
MARY
Jack.
JACK
What? He has.
MARY
It’s been hard work.
JACK
It’s not been having a baby.
MARY
No.
JACK
I love you.
MARY
I love you too.
(JACK exits with the baby)
MARY
There must be some way I can make something golden
Thread the straw through the wheel
Watch the merry-go-round and around
‘Til I hear the sound of people sharing food and drink
MARY, RUMP
Birds singing while you think
Of games to play
And ways to waste sunny weekends
With just one or two friends
TOWNSFOLK
No fears to embolden
RUMP, MARY
‘Til everything’s golden
MARY
One is tough
Two’s enough
To help you walk when the road is rough
MARY, RUMP
Life’s a game played by royals and fools
And nobody tells you the rules
RUMP, MARY, TOWNSFOLK
When you’re seconds from folding
RUMP
You need someone golden
(RUMP leaves JACOB’s house with his book to find his mother)